trying a new app on this phone. I love the internet!

the kitchen

Our kitchen is finally functional! I am enjoying cooking real food for my family. I Made a batch of chicken stock last Monday. It is so nice having the freezer space to fill with home cooked food. Yesterday I made a huge pot of Italian wedding soup and french bread rolls from scratch. I have been trying to be more frugal with our meal planning and our shopping. I am hoping to cut our grocery bill by 20% to start with. Hopefully My husband will support me as we do the shopping together. I recently purchased two books to help. Funny I know, spend money to save money.

Family Feasts for $75 a Week: A Penny-wise Mom Shares Her Recipe for Cutting Hundreds from Your Monthly Food Bill
Mary Ostyn

$3 Slow-Cooked Meals: Delicious, Low-Cost Dishes from Both Your Slow Cooker and Stove
Ellen Brown

Both have tips on saving at the store and tons of recipes. Hopefully I will be able to utilize the books . My goal is to be a better steward of the responsibilities God has Given me.

I have so much to look forward to this month. One of my favorite holidays is this week. I love making a huge pot of corned beef and cabbage and soda bread. Also on Thursday I will be married to the most wonderful man for TEN years. The following week My mother , twin brother, his wife,her sister their three children and my husbands sister are coming down from New york for a visit. This former new yorker plans on making a huge country breakfast for them. The weekend they will be here is also the rhythm and ribs festival down town and we all love the award winning BBQ served hot and fresh. I might even try a fried twinky this year!!

I guess it is time to start facing my laundrey.

All this stuff we are doing

It has been a great year so far. We have been getting ready for the kitchen remodel that is finally under way. We bought all our appliances and got a great deal at appliance direct. My husband and I had a great romantic Valentines day.

Our kitchen was torn out yesterday so no home cooked meals this week which also means no dirty dishes!!!! I am still behind on laundry so I need a new system this one is not working. sadly I think I am going to have to pack away my sewing area... I do not sew enough to warrant taking up so much living space. My dilemma is all the fabric I have, where and how to store it or give it away.

In our plans for the kitchen is a pantry off to the side. My husband are not certain we should put it in the space planned for it move it or just not have one put in. I am super excited but worried I will regret the decision we make.

holiday

I have been baking all week!!! I made pecan-walnut balls, coconut sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, plain sugar cookies and rugelach. These treats are gifts to be given to friends neighbors and teachers.

I have been doing more knitting a crocheting. trying to teach the wee ones around here to, it seems like the blind leading the blind. I have I mentioned my lack of eye hand coordination ;). I am thinking if I start after the new year I can make wash cloths as gifts instead of cookies.

I have all the gifts for my husband wrapped, I can not wrap the kids gifts because my husband put my gifts in the same spot so in order to get to them I would spoil the surprise . The children have been rehersing for a performance at church and are looking foward singing in front of the whole church.

Things have been wonderful here and the weather is so nice and warm. Christmas break starts today!!! yay!! Have a great holiday!!!

Knowing is Half the Battle

Knowing is half the battle. Now that I know what I am dealing with I am so much happier and at peace. the enemy can not attack me in these areas any more. I have not fully overcome but I am getting there. Though I might take a wrong turn I see the spotlight in my heart pointing to what is right and good and fight my way to the right path.


Things have been going real well for the Stuart clan. My marriage is blessed and happy, my husband and I are closer than we have ever been. My children are doing well in school. There are some issues with my son who is almost a teenager and has adhd but nothing we can not work out. I am taking on a new role at church as the teacher for the stars girls group which my daughter is in so we can learn and grow together in Christ. I have Good friends. best friends even. We are getting ever closer to starting the remodel on our kitchen. I spend my days with a beautiful happy funny toddler who brings nothing but joy. I am a very happy blessed person. But deep down I am full of fear and dread. crippling fear.


I also think I figured out the root cause of what makes me unhappy and has been hindering my walk with Christ, my lack of a prayer life, and my inability to be truly close to anybody.





I have a secret... I HATE MY SELF.



I have always felt UN deserving. Not only of Gods grace and love but also not worthy of any kind of basic human consideration. To the point where I sabotage ALL of my relationships. I have acted out in the most horrible manner against my husband in the past because I wanted him to leave me. I thank God every day that my husband was too stubborn to do it. I did it with budding friendships and long standing ones too. stop calling, gossip, selfishness.





One more thing. I have always wanted to die.



I have never had the guts to try. not in a real way anyway. Even today knowing Gods love the thought pops into my head once in a while how much better off every one would be if I was gone. I even without knowing it have kept my children at arms length. I always feel like the worst mom and wife in the world and sometimes I let that show in my actions. I used to take advise from people who I knew were not coming from a good place. My childrens childhood is a blur to me I do not even remember thier first steps or words. But I do remember waking up sevral times a night for years to make sure they were still breathing and still there. My biggest fear was and is that something would happen to my children.

Fear of losing has clouded what I treasure most.


Family and friends have always marveled at how I do not offend easily. I myself have always thought it was a good quality to have, especially in my family ;) But how much of it is because I feel I deserve the wrong doing. Or that the offender is a better person than I, so I keep silent.





When ever a friend asks How are you doing, My response is Great, awesome never better. In truth I am. I am happy with my life. I love my family. but deep down I am always on the verge of tears or meltdown. Is it pride that keeps this all inside or maybe the fear that I am right that no one truly cares about or loves me.( I live a surface life doesn't everyone?) truth be told I would not know what to say or how to say it. My life is almost perfect.








So what do I do with this info. I know that these have been my feelings for a long time. since child hood. They have shaped every decision I have made.





I am having a hard time pin pointing what I am trying to say. I am jumping from subject to subject in an effort to purge this out of me.





I know turning to God is what I should do. It is what I want to do. But This problem is also what has been keeping me from God.

Or maybe I am just crazy.

Where Did It Go?

There are lots of new and exciting things going on here.

I am now babysitting my girlfriends 11 month old son on a full time basis. It is real nice having a baby around the house again. It is pretty nice to hand him back over to momma at the end of the day too.

I stepped on the scale the other day and it seemed off 13lbs. I checked out the bottom and it was missing 1 of 4 springs that have some sort of function not so sure what but why take chances. My husband picked up a new scale for us on Sunday when he was out and about. It is electronic with a weight loss tracker that can be set up for 4 people. I set the thing up programed all the do-dads and step on it. Well... I had lost 13 lbs. without really paying attention. I was only watching portions slightly. We did not need a new scale. I have so many little do hickeys for exercise, heart monitor, pedometer, workout bands, a gazelle, DVDs. I really need to get my butt in gear and use them.

I do many things to honour my husband but I can do more. There is one thing my husband has asked me to a few times and I mostly have told him no. It is a silly thing to not do for your husband I do not know why I do not want to do it. He takes salad to work every Wednesday and Friday. The night before he breaks out the salad spinner and goes to town, adding feta cheese or grilled chicken sometimes he even makes his own salad dressing. Why is it that I would refuse him. I guess now that I am aware of this I should offer to make his salad for him. God has been really hitting me in my stubborn head. I also switched on the Christian radio station to day and caught the end of a message about our(my) tongue and our heart. It is a message that i need to be reminded of all the time. Not to mention the In Touch devotion for today definitely stuck home. I need to really get back into The Word and chew on it, not just read a verse in passing not meditating and taking it into my heart.

My mom is coming down from N.Y. for my d.d. birthday this month it is a surprise. My baby is turning 8. I do not know where the time went. I haven't gotten any older;)

Have a Blessed week.

Looking Ahead

Now that the holidays are behind me, I find myself wondering what it is about the time between Thanksgiving and the New Year that makes me throw all the meal plans cleaning schedules and and goals for the past year out the window.

We had a wonderful holiday. The new year is off to an emotional rocky start though with one of our friends facing the possibility of losing a parent, another losing her marriage, and yet another friends child developing a serious illness. God does hear our prayers though and we all know that he will work all things for good.

I am surrounded by Rubbermaid bins containing our Christmas decorations some organized and some not, but my sink is empty :).I stopped using the dishwasher, it(I) made me lazy and gave me an excuse to let things pile up. Our washing machine was broken for the week of thanksgiving. I was caught up with the wash when I came down with yet another real bad chest cold (on Christmas) and was out of commission for a good whole week. so I fell back behind. Yes it did take me most of the month to catch up. I had allot of bedding and comforters that I put off and my dryer is kinda crapping out so I could only dry 2 loads a day.

Menu:

Monday: Creole black beans over couscous

Tuesday: Hamburger soup

Wednesday: Baked chicken pieces with potato

Thursday: Homemade pizza

Friday: Spaghetti

Saturday: Kids choice

Sunday: hubby's choice

Reading back over this blog I realize it sounds like my world (and home) are falling apart and I am miserable. let me assure you I am very happy and full of hope and peace. I only think about this stuff when I am trying to use it or write about my daily ins and outs. well I am off to hit a hot spot.

God bless and have a great weak (month year).