Knowing is half the battle. Now that I know what I am dealing with I am so much happier and at peace. the enemy can not attack me in these areas any more. I have not fully overcome but I am getting there. Though I might take a wrong turn I see the spotlight in my heart pointing to what is right and good and fight my way to the right path.
Things have been going real well for the Stuart clan. My marriage is blessed and happy, my husband and I are closer than we have ever been. My children are doing well in school. There are some issues with my son who is almost a teenager and has adhd but nothing we can not work out. I am taking on a new role at church as the teacher for the stars girls group which my daughter is in so we can learn and grow together in Christ. I have Good friends. best friends even. We are getting ever closer to starting the remodel on our kitchen. I spend my days with a beautiful happy funny toddler who brings nothing but joy. I am a very happy blessed person. But deep down I am full of fear and dread. crippling fear.
I also think I figured out the root cause of what makes me unhappy and has been hindering my walk with Christ, my lack of a prayer life, and my inability to be truly close to anybody.
I have a secret... I HATE MY SELF.
I have always felt UN deserving. Not only of Gods grace and love but also not worthy of any kind of basic human consideration. To the point where I sabotage ALL of my relationships. I have acted out in the most horrible manner against my husband in the past because I wanted him to leave me. I thank God every day that my husband was too stubborn to do it. I did it with budding friendships and long standing ones too. stop calling, gossip, selfishness.
One more thing. I have always wanted to die.
I have never had the guts to try. not in a real way anyway. Even today knowing Gods love the thought pops into my head once in a while how much better off every one would be if I was gone. I even without knowing it have kept my children at arms length. I always feel like the worst mom and wife in the world and sometimes I let that show in my actions. I used to take advise from people who I knew were not coming from a good place. My childrens childhood is a blur to me I do not even remember thier first steps or words. But I do remember waking up sevral times a night for years to make sure they were still breathing and still there. My biggest fear was and is that something would happen to my children.
Fear of losing has clouded what I treasure most. Family and friends have always marveled at how I do not offend easily. I myself have always thought it was a good quality to have, especially in my family ;) But how much of it is because I feel I deserve the wrong doing. Or that the offender is a better person than I, so I keep silent.
When ever a friend asks How are you doing, My response is Great, awesome never better.
In truth I am. I am happy with my life. I love my family. but deep down I am always on the verge of tears or meltdown. Is it pride that keeps this all inside or maybe the fear that I am right that no one truly cares about or loves me.( I live a surface life doesn't everyone?) truth be told I would not know what to say or how to say it. My life is almost perfect.
So what do I do with this info. I know that these have been my feelings for a long time. since child hood.
They have shaped every decision I have made. I am having a hard time pin pointing what I am trying to say. I am jumping from subject to subject in an effort to purge this out of me.
I know turning to God is what I should do. It is what I want to do. But This problem is also what has been keeping me from God.
Or maybe I am just crazy.
